"Does he have a beard?" - Musings of a Distractable Mind.

The collective meandering thoughts of Kelly and Benji.

Sunday, 10 August 2008

♪"Fun and Laughter on a summer holiday..."♪

First posted 10th August 2008

Well, it is now the Summer holidays for me and unfortuantely it is not the utopian scene that Sir Cliff of Richard always claims it to be. I have spent the previous school year looking forward to 6 weeks of nothing apart from preparing myself for my PGCE by sitting around reading history books and getting angry with David Starkey on 4OD. But this was not to be! Instead I have been obsessively checking the weather forecast on the BBC's website (always wrong) and hanging around Boscombe in a blue tshirt emblazoned with a yellow caterpillar. Yes, that's right, I am back busting boredom for Bournemouth Council.

Now, for those of you who don't know me, the above description makes me sound like some sort Crime Fighter Extraordinaire, ridding the streets of Bournemouth of the scourge that is BOREDOM. "How exciting!" I hear you cry. But, for those of you who do know me, you will know that this is not the case at all and that Boredom Busters is simply a playscheme run by the council for kids aged between 4 and 12, which has been my holiday job for the last 8 years. Not so exciting now, huh? But in actual fact, the opposite is true. Myself and the other playworkers, the lovely Alex, Lauren and Georgie are all employed to entertain the kids, but in fact they actually spend most of the time entertaining us.

After spending so long away from the little ones, working in a secondary school, it was lovely to go back to working in an environment where every second word is not an expletive. Plus I have learnt so much over the last few weeks, much more I'm sure than I would have learnt from working with grown ups who claim to know much more than your average 5 year old.

In the last 3 weeks, I have been educated in many areas and here are a selection ov' the things wot I 'ave learnt...

  • Chad Danforth aka Corbin Bleu is the Mayor of Bournemouth's favourite 'High School Musical' Character.

  • 'How To Be Gangster' - A crash course in the ways of the Gangster, courtesy of Alfie and Freddy, including self censorship, beeps and all!

  • Before coming to Boredom Busters, one child spends his morning farting as a way to pass the time.

  • The writers of 'High School Muscial' love nothing more than a spot of casual racism.

  • At the sight of an expensive car, such as the Mayor's chauffeur driven Jaguar, children like nothing more than to dive inside and climb all over it with their muddy shoes on.

  • After pushing someone over, the magic word is not "Sorry". The correct words are in fact "F*** off"

  • Paper aeroplanes are the most amazing things since sliced bread and the ability to be able to make a good one, makes you God amongst small children.

  • A £4 bag of ball pit balls may well be the best investment you could ever make.

  • Small children are quite willing to negotiate leaving their famly home and move in with a complete stanger if you have the right games console.

I have also spent hour upon hour watching David Starkey rave about the monarchy and poured over books upon book trying to revise the whole of British history (there is quite a lot of information there!) but I think you'll agree with me when I say that the information above is more enlightening and useful than anything in a history textbook...

But unfortunately the textbooks have to be read as I am heading off to Southampton University in September to start my History PGCE. This means that in a years time, I will be a proper History teacher! (Well, nearly....) I'm extremely excited, but also rather scared. It's the next step forward for me which is great but the saddest part of all of it had to be leaving Glenmoor at the end of term. I had an amazing time there, the pupils and the staff were fantastic to work with, hopefully I will have a similar experience in my school placements next year. But it was not all doom and gloom as I was given a lovely send off!

Jenny and I (The Teaching Assistant Dream Team!) were treated to a lunch with all of our favourite people and showered with gifts. I got a Horrible Histories Quiz Book, Borders voucher, a notebook for everyone to write their goodbye messages in, an ink stamper which has a smiley face and the words "Miss Leckie says Well Done!" on it, some 'code cracker' cards and a gobstopper! The Book Group also threw a little party for us, complete with presents and a home made cake and a chocolate card with my name on it! Here is a little pic of me enjoying this particular gift....

Then my Year 9 class, the amazing 9.5, hi-jacked their English lesson and threw me a party with even more gifts including 2 bottles of wine, 2 bunches of flowers and 2 cd's of songs we used to entertain with lessons. As well as the wine, flowers and Cd's, Charlotte and Lois, had done one of the most thoughtful things ever and made me a book full of photos of the class and messages from all of them. This and the excitement of a party was all a bit too much for me, and I will admit that I cried like a bit of a baby. As Charlotte said "It's your last day, what did you think we were going to do? Sit and watch 'Mrs F***ing Doubtfire'?! I don't think so! We wanna give you a proper send off!" And a proper send off it was!

Roll on September! Before the year is out, I will have two more schools that I have to leave. GET IN! That's if I ever get all this reading done....

Monday, 5 May 2008


It has been far too long since we have written a blog entry. Kelly and I apologise profusely, but there is a valid excuse...

We are currently preparing some wonderful visual treats for you to enjoy in the near future. On the 17th April was dearest Kelly's birthday, so a group of us shimmy-ed the night away in Bournemouth with some food, as well as visiting some local public houses. Video highlights to follow soon, keep your eyes peeled, it'll be worth it!

The night was great apart from the fact I lost my bank card, despite having a photo taken of me with it 5 minutes before it went missing(!) ...damn those bank card fairies! You'll hear/see more about that soon.

Anyway, just to remind you all, if you are reading this via email (because you have subscribed, well done!), then you won't be able to see any videos/pictures we upload, so come to the website www.kellyandbenji.blogspot.com to get a full whack of every delightful post we publish, then you'll really begin to enjoy the treats we have to offer!

If you are on the site, have a click on the picture to the left where it says 'video bar', to see the 2nd epidsode of Channel 69 news, our beautiful creation at university (we may have even filmed some more Channel 69 news whilst in Bournemouth....OoOo!).

Anyway, that will do for now I think. Now, of course you want to subscribe so you don't miss anything we post, therefore all you need to do is pop your email address in the space to the left where it says 'subscribe to these thoughts' and there you go! sorted! It's Bank Holiday today, so I am largin' it up at the Basingstoke Aquadrome, that's how rock 'n' roll I am, breathe Basingstoke in...

Friday, 11 April 2008


Firstly, I've had some interesting comments on last week's video with the puppets. Some people have found it hilarious (phew, thank goodness), some don't quite get it, and I've even had a creepy stocking-fetish guy message me asking me to make more with stockings and pantyhose instead of socks (I'm not even joking!). I watched one of his videos and felt physically sick so have a gander, completely eerie and freaky, but slightly amusing, worth a watch!

If you want to have a look at "freaky-man-stocking-video", Click here:

Moving swiftly on! Numerous times I have been told this week that I should enter the 'Sofa Factor' competition on GMTV. Now, this is a competition where you can be a GMTV presenter! OoOoO! My thinking is that this is rock 'n' roll, this is cool, this is likely to be well paid, therefore I thought, 'Why Not!!!'. So this morning I find myself filming myself on my own in my living room. I find it slightly worrying that now, two weeks in a row, I've wasted some time making stupid videos... I feel like I'm destined to do it, so I'm not going to stop until I truly run out of friends or money (whatever happens first...probably friends).

It had to be a 15 second clip of presenting in GMTV style. I'd like to say it's GMTV-tastic, so it is: politcally correct; middle of the road and boring but 'trying-to-be-funny' kind of style. Anyway, incase I don't win and you don't see me on GMTV as the next Ben Shepherd, here's my entry!


Friday, 4 April 2008

New toys to play with... OooOoOo!

Well, it seems that I am truly launching myself into the technological world! Considering I am wanting to do this whole 'radio' thing, I decided that it was about time I got myself even the cheapest recording equipment to play around with in the comfort of my own room before being allowed to grace the public airwaves with my skills.

To be honest, rather than improving my skills, my main thinking has been "lets by a microphone and a camera so I can record funny/stupid/pointless videos to show my friends, and waste precious time doing". If it's good enough for Ricky Gervais to make videos and millions view them, then so can I!

I guess I just need to get a ton of fans first who will actually waste their lives watching pointless videos. I've emailed Kelly a little video already but she's in Glasgow. Do phones work in Glasgow? I doubt I can text her, I'll try, probably won't work though.

I feel guilty. I should be either a) finding a radio job; b)writing another scene for the sitcom c) eating to sustain myself d) playing Football Manager. But alas I am doing none of these. Instead I decided to make the video below. Enjoy.


Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Soundtrack of my Life....

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you’re cool...because you're not.
7. Have a go and post your results as a comment beloew....

It works spookily well on some, but not so much on others. Good way to waste a bit of time though....

Opening Credits:
'What The World is Waiting For' - The Stone Roses
"I think it's time that you found what the world is waiting for..."

Waking Up:
'Pounding' - Doves
"Seize the time cos it's now or never baby"

First Day At School:
'Won't You Come Around' - Polytechnic
"If you're about, we'll dance in the middle of the afternoon"

Falling In Love:
'All I Want Is You' - U2
"All the promises we make from the cradle to the grave when all I want is you"

Fight Song:
'Take Me Out' - Franz Ferdinand
"I know I won't be leaving here with you"

Breaking Up:
'Hurt' - Johnny Cash
"Everyone I know goes away in the end"

'I Was Born To Be A Dancer' - Kaiser Chiefs
"Do you know the real answer? I was born to be a dancer"

'We Have All The Time In The World' - My Bloody Valentine
"We have all the time in the world, just for love, nothing more, nothing less, only love"

Mental Breakdown:
'Actually It's Darkness' - Idlewild
"Actually it's darkness, I don't know what I'm scared of"

Wedding Day:
'Don't Falter' - Mint Royale
"Strange, I saw ya, I sorta knew it was forever. Please stay with me and never miss a chance to kiss me"

Birth of First Child:
'Perfect Day' - Lou Reed
"Oh it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you"

'What Difference Does It Make?' - The Smiths
"For we have been through hell and high tide
I think I can rely on you ...
And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you"

'Novocaine for the Soul' - The Eels
"Life is hard and so am I. You better give me something so I don't die..."

Losing Virginity:
'Can You Feel It?' - The Jacksons
I think the title says it all really....

'Fix Up, Look Sharp' - Dizee Rascal

'One to Another' - The Charlatans
"Tomorrows gonna be too easy and todays gonna be too near"

Getting Back Together:
'You're All I Have' - Snow Patrol
"I've gotta see you one last night, before the lions take their share, leave us in pieces scattered everywhere"

Final Battle:
'Rocks' - Primal Scream
"Ain't no use in praying, that's the way it's staying baby"

Death Scene:
'No One Knows' - QOTSA
"I drift along the ocean, dead life boats in the sun, and come undone"

'An End Has A Start' - The Editors
"Some things should be simple, even an end has a start"

Sequel Teaser:
'Just Like Honey' - Jesus and Mary Chain
"Listen to the girl as she takes on half the world, moving up and so alive..."


Friday, 21 March 2008

Finding Nirvana-land

The last few days in build up to Easter have been the most relaxing, and 'gaylord being' days in a while... I love it!

My girlfriend and I have purchased a delightful '3 times' membership at Nirvana Spa , which includes a 'floatation' evening. "what on earth is that?!" I hear you cry. "Sounds like, well gay!" I hear more people cry, well let me explain all...

We arrived at the beautiful Nirvana Spa, with paintings of underwater creatures and star constellations surrounding us. So, we adorned our robes and flip-flops (thats right, we got given robes, had to bring my own flip-flops that I bought at the local flip-flop shop). (OK, I admit, the pic of the flip-flop shop is in the Isle of Wight found at the festival last year, but worth a showing I do believe!)

So, there is the hydrotherapy pool (with tons of jets spraying any part of you for a water-massage-thing. OoOoO...beautiful. Also, there is a 'normal' pool where we sat on loungers, pretending to be posh reading health magazines and drinking our FREE bevs. Then, there was the monsoon aromotherapy steam room, which is quite frankly sexy and well nice for a chill out, until you can't cope with the smell of vicks, or your skin shrivels up like a prune. That place is quite frankly spanky gorgeous!

And last but far from least is the magnificent 'floatation treatment'. In simpleton terms, they have filled a swimming pool with loads of salt (standard dinner table salt as far as I know), and so that means you can float in it! So after a quick induction ("don't drown"..."don't poo in the water"..."If you're going to spew, spew into this"...."If you guff in the pool we'll all see it on the CCTV"), we headed into the main pool for a 40 minute sesh. There were twinkly lights on the ceiling, pictures of half-human, half-horses on the wall, and moby played sweetly in the background. All in all a beautiful moment, however this was slightly ruined by occasionally bumping into somebody else as you floated around, and never being quite sure WHAT PART of that person you just touched. A worrying thought I'm sure you'll agree.

So, get your bums down there, be a bit of a gaylord for the evening, but you'll look truly middle class and fit in greatly. The floatation treatment does look a tad like that scene from Minority Report, but it's worth it! Ooh and there was free food (all you can eat!)...back of the net.


Friday, 14 March 2008

Q: How do you get a Granny to shout "C*nt!"?

A: Get another to shout "Bingo!"

Well hello there you, you big sexy bitches!

It has indeed been a while since I have posted anything on here and seeing as though I am at home today with nothing to do, I might as well get writing! Not mush has been happening in the land of Kelly recently, apart from the delightful visit that I received from Benji a couple of weekends ago. We did some writing for a couple of hours, visited The Harvester for dinner and then went to the Bingo, an event that was both excruciatingly embarassing and euphorically enjoyable!

We arrived 5 minutes late and had to register to join, as we were doing this, I could hear that numbers being called out over the tannoy which covers the whole building. This made us rush to the counter to buy our books and then throw ourselves through the doors of the hall itself. Imagining that it would be filled with people having a great time and partying, whilst a man in a sparkly jacket calls out the numbers in a cool slick DJ voice, we were sorely disappointed. The hall was packed. Everyone was silent, so silent in fact that you could hear a pin drop, never mind us careering through the doors in a panic. We stopped dead in our tracks and quietly made our way to the restaurant to buy some pens, but the girl who was serving simply walked away and ignored us, so we made our way to the bar to ask one of the helpful young men if they could sell us some pens. I quietly asked the guy behind the bar where we could buy pens and he turned to me, revealing a face that only a mother could love, and mumbled something incoherrent at me. Trying to tear my eyes away from his mouth full of metal and elastic, I asked him to repeat what he said and again he mumbled, but this time slightly louder. This made me uneasy as I know that if you disturb old ladies in their natural habitat, they will turn on you and beat you to death with their dabber pens. so I walked away from old Metal Mickey and decided that I thought he said 'vending machine'. Which in fact he did. We finally managed to find a seat and sat down by a father and daughter who didn't look too happy at the thought of having newcomers sitting on their table. Fortunately, they didn't have dabber pens, so I felt comforted by the fact that if they did decide to beat us, the only weapon they had was a light weight felt tip, a situation that I'm sure Bear Grylis has found himself in many, many times before.

We finally managed to join in when they started the next card and myself and Benji, being experienced bingo players, explained the rules of the game to Ciaran. He seemed to be doing well and getting into it, and we were overjoyed when he suddenly grabbed my arm and said "I have a line!" We told him to shout, so he did, and the room came to a standstill, all eyes on us...The next few seconds are a blur....Metal Mickey bounds across the room and picks up Ciaran's ticket....he looks annoyed....we look confused....he tells us that Ciaran does have a line, but that we are in fact playing for two lines now....we feel our faces turn red....we can feel the blood pumping as he mumbles something to Ciaran, this time even more incoherrent than "vending machines"....Ciaran can't understand him, so he asks him to repeat it, again no one understands, so we ask him to repeat....the whole room is still looking at us, I can see old ladies searching through their handbags for their extra large dabbers to beat us to death...Metal mouth says loudly "So it's a FALSE CALL?"...We swiftly answer "Yes!", hoping that the quicker the game starts again, the less likely we are to found murdered in the alleyway next to the bingo hall the next morning with a dabber pens stuck in out eyes and a bingo card placed neatly on our chests. There is a uniform mumble of disgust throughout the hall, but thankfully, the game continues swiflty.

During the next game, Metal Mouth moved close to our table where he stood next to Benji, which made us all rather scared, unsure whether or not he was going to bite one of us if we tried and make anymore calls. Benji shifted uneasily in his seat, fearing for his life, or at least his face. Metal Mickey moved closer and threw himslef to the floor, perhaps he had a foot fetish and was going to eat Benji's toes? No, he was in fact collecting the money for the bingo machines on the table. Not too long after this though, Benji made a move which was either going to make or break us....

After a call had been made for 'two lines', Benji told me that he only needed a few more numbers for a house. We got back to the game and out of the corner of my eye, I could see Benji getting more and more agitated. Suddenly he told me he had a house a shouted "YEAH!" very loudly. Again I could hear the blood rushing to my head, the thumping in my ears, readying myself for the fact that we may have to run for our lives if he was wrong...but he was right! The guy came over, checked the ticket, took his card and a few minutes later, came over with £100 for Benji! Result! We were in fact so giddy from Benji's win that all the way through the next game, our heads nearly exploded as we tried to hold in our giggles of excitement and disbelief, still fearful of the chance of attack from the enemy that surrounded us.

Thankfully, it soon passed and so did the evening. Before we knew it, the last game had ended and there was a mass exodus from the hall, with grandmothers throwing down felt tips with abandon and letting out sighs of frustration at the fact that a trampy kid from Brackers had won the money instead of them....