The collective meandering thoughts of Kelly and Benji.

Friday, 14 March 2008

Q: How do you get a Granny to shout "C*nt!"?

A: Get another to shout "Bingo!"

Well hello there you, you big sexy bitches!

It has indeed been a while since I have posted anything on here and seeing as though I am at home today with nothing to do, I might as well get writing! Not mush has been happening in the land of Kelly recently, apart from the delightful visit that I received from Benji a couple of weekends ago. We did some writing for a couple of hours, visited The Harvester for dinner and then went to the Bingo, an event that was both excruciatingly embarassing and euphorically enjoyable!

We arrived 5 minutes late and had to register to join, as we were doing this, I could hear that numbers being called out over the tannoy which covers the whole building. This made us rush to the counter to buy our books and then throw ourselves through the doors of the hall itself. Imagining that it would be filled with people having a great time and partying, whilst a man in a sparkly jacket calls out the numbers in a cool slick DJ voice, we were sorely disappointed. The hall was packed. Everyone was silent, so silent in fact that you could hear a pin drop, never mind us careering through the doors in a panic. We stopped dead in our tracks and quietly made our way to the restaurant to buy some pens, but the girl who was serving simply walked away and ignored us, so we made our way to the bar to ask one of the helpful young men if they could sell us some pens. I quietly asked the guy behind the bar where we could buy pens and he turned to me, revealing a face that only a mother could love, and mumbled something incoherrent at me. Trying to tear my eyes away from his mouth full of metal and elastic, I asked him to repeat what he said and again he mumbled, but this time slightly louder. This made me uneasy as I know that if you disturb old ladies in their natural habitat, they will turn on you and beat you to death with their dabber pens. so I walked away from old Metal Mickey and decided that I thought he said 'vending machine'. Which in fact he did. We finally managed to find a seat and sat down by a father and daughter who didn't look too happy at the thought of having newcomers sitting on their table. Fortunately, they didn't have dabber pens, so I felt comforted by the fact that if they did decide to beat us, the only weapon they had was a light weight felt tip, a situation that I'm sure Bear Grylis has found himself in many, many times before.

We finally managed to join in when they started the next card and myself and Benji, being experienced bingo players, explained the rules of the game to Ciaran. He seemed to be doing well and getting into it, and we were overjoyed when he suddenly grabbed my arm and said "I have a line!" We told him to shout, so he did, and the room came to a standstill, all eyes on us...The next few seconds are a blur....Metal Mickey bounds across the room and picks up Ciaran's ticket....he looks annoyed....we look confused....he tells us that Ciaran does have a line, but that we are in fact playing for two lines now....we feel our faces turn red....we can feel the blood pumping as he mumbles something to Ciaran, this time even more incoherrent than "vending machines"....Ciaran can't understand him, so he asks him to repeat it, again no one understands, so we ask him to repeat....the whole room is still looking at us, I can see old ladies searching through their handbags for their extra large dabbers to beat us to death...Metal mouth says loudly "So it's a FALSE CALL?"...We swiftly answer "Yes!", hoping that the quicker the game starts again, the less likely we are to found murdered in the alleyway next to the bingo hall the next morning with a dabber pens stuck in out eyes and a bingo card placed neatly on our chests. There is a uniform mumble of disgust throughout the hall, but thankfully, the game continues swiflty.

During the next game, Metal Mouth moved close to our table where he stood next to Benji, which made us all rather scared, unsure whether or not he was going to bite one of us if we tried and make anymore calls. Benji shifted uneasily in his seat, fearing for his life, or at least his face. Metal Mickey moved closer and threw himslef to the floor, perhaps he had a foot fetish and was going to eat Benji's toes? No, he was in fact collecting the money for the bingo machines on the table. Not too long after this though, Benji made a move which was either going to make or break us....

After a call had been made for 'two lines', Benji told me that he only needed a few more numbers for a house. We got back to the game and out of the corner of my eye, I could see Benji getting more and more agitated. Suddenly he told me he had a house a shouted "YEAH!" very loudly. Again I could hear the blood rushing to my head, the thumping in my ears, readying myself for the fact that we may have to run for our lives if he was wrong...but he was right! The guy came over, checked the ticket, took his card and a few minutes later, came over with £100 for Benji! Result! We were in fact so giddy from Benji's win that all the way through the next game, our heads nearly exploded as we tried to hold in our giggles of excitement and disbelief, still fearful of the chance of attack from the enemy that surrounded us.

Thankfully, it soon passed and so did the evening. Before we knew it, the last game had ended and there was a mass exodus from the hall, with grandmothers throwing down felt tips with abandon and letting out sighs of frustration at the fact that a trampy kid from Brackers had won the money instead of them....

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