I, as a caring girlfriend, emailed the lovely giant to ask him how his day was going, and also to ask how his oven works, and I was sent this in reply...
"Work is great, I arrived to find that there was a big fun fair in the car park and that we were all allowed to go on the rides for free as many times as we want. That bit was b*ll*cks by the way, we were only allowed to go on the rides once. Later on there's going to be a raffle and everything."
When I asked if I could go and join in the fun, I was treated to this reponse...
"I'm afraid there's a big sign saying "No Kellys". Not really sure who thought of that, probably a bigot much like yourself. Shame really, think you would've really enjoyed it. There's even a celebrity auction for charity and they've got people like Colin Murray, Gary Lightbody, Ed Norton and Owen Wilson, as well as Justin Lee Collins, Ross Noble, Eddie Izzard and the guy from Gimme Gimme Gimme. No one here seems much interested in these people so I guess they won't be building a new wing onto Bournemouth Hospital and getting all those new doctors and nurses and poor cute little Jimmy with the hole in his heart will just have to wait that bit longer for his emergency operation. Damn shame."
So when I asked him to perhaps buy me one of these lovely men as some sort of present, he replied with....
"Yes, I can really see me bidding for one of the 4 people in the world you could quite happily replace me with, or one of the other 4 who'd make you laugh more. What do you take me for? Besides, I hear Holly Willoughby is going to buy all of them, take them to South East Asia, bury them all in a pit with spiders the size of shoeboxes and set them alight so they can never perform/appear in public ever again. Then Andie McDowell is going to wipe all videos/DVDs etc with these people on then remove every facet of them from the internet and then Sheena Easton (who has spent the last 10 years training as a Ninja) is going to assassinate Karl Pilkington. And I hear they don't like Benji either, so perhaps you ought to get a message out. "
So, all in all people, I think we can agree that he is in fact, a nasty bitch.
Kelly
Currently listening : Who Killed the Zutons By Zutons Release date: 19 October, 2004
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